A Crack In My Psyche

"I don't know what to say about this — the way I incline towards sadness, latch on to it as it floats past, ride up into its currents. But it keeps me grounded somehow, however paradoxical that may sound." - Catherine Newman, Dalai Mama

I hate having my blog seemingly ride the coat tails of Catherine Newman's (read entire article here), but I'm not sure truer words have been spoken about my psyche and it seemed a good intro to a post I've tried to write several times, but never could get the words to say exactly what I wanted them to. I'll give it another try. . . .

They say things happen when you least expect them. I learned that when I was ten. Never once while I lay in bed in the dark at my grandma’s house that night, straining to listen to hear what the man at the door was saying or what the muffled commotion in the living room was all about did I imagine that they were talking about my mom. I knew that something was wrong, that someone was hurt or not well, but when you’re ten and the only death you’ve seen in your life is that of the family dog, even the far stretches of your mind cannot grasp the loss of someone close to you. Even when the thought of dying had flittered “what ifs” across my mind it was always about how sad my mom would be if one of us kids died. Never was it about losing her. I think that must be a type of self-preservation built into children.

After what seemed like hours of listening and my grandma had left in the car with her sister, I decided that it must be my great-grandpa that was not well, as he was in his eighties and they had taken turns taking him to respiratory therapy for years. The thought that he might be dead didn’t particularly bother me. I had only occasionally visited him with my grandma and he had been sick most of my life. In fact, after I came to this conclusion I was able to rest my mind and went to sleep. That was the last night of the first part of my life.

I learned a very important lesson that night. Expect the unexpected and prepare yourself for the worst because it can happen to you. And so, just like Catherine, I am drawn to sadness, to devastation, to heartbreak like a moth to a flame. Because if you can see it, imagine it and prepare for it, maybe it won't be so bad when it actually happens to you.

And this somehow, as she says, keeps me grounded. I know how lucky I am to have the people in my life that I do and I know how quickly it can be taken away. I know I am not above being dealt pain and grief in my life and I will never again say, "I never thought it would happen to me."