Sleep Monster. . .

We recently moved Jamie into her “big girl bed” and at first she seemed to take to it rather well. She might get up a couple of times right after we leave her room and occasionally would cry for a few minutes, but compared to the year-long hurricane of frustration we experienced with Adam, she was a breeze. Was. Jamie has now changed tactics and is taking more of a “Gitmo” approach to parental frustration. . . . sleep deprivation.

As I said, she goes to sleep relatively easily and her peaceful face and deep breathing lures one into believing all is settled for a night of restful bliss. That is, until somewhere around 1:00am when something silent and looming draws you from your deepest sleep. There is no obvious reason for your awakening; no crying, no scrambling on to the bed, but there is something. Something is in the room with you. And as you become fully conscious to the point of opening your eyes you see it; standing there face to face with you in the dark, its eyes mere inches from yours glinting green from the reflection of the digital alarm clock. And as you fight to slow your startled heart, it speaks a single monotone word. “Hello?” You close your eyes in a feeble attempt to make it disappear, but there is no use. It is already patting your face with a clammy hand requesting, “Up”. So you drag your lifeless limbs from the comforts of your bed and lead it back to its own domain to sit and wait door side, head bobbing into uncontrollable sleep until its god-awful wailing turns into simple stirring and you can be sure that it’s safe to return to bed. . . . at least for a couple more hours.

This has gone on for days now, sometimes several times a night; sometimes at the five o’clock hour when you are miserably aware there is no possibility of her – or you - returning to sleep. It is at this hour that you then must play with her until the rest of the family rises and there is another adult with which to project your foul and sleep-deprived attitude upon.

I know all the new mothers I’m friends with are reading this and shaking their heads at how pathetically out of shape I am at this all night thing, but to all of you I say, SUCK IT! . . . . and go get me a Starbucks double-shot. I've done my time and now I want to go to sleep.